Even though I wrote this a couple of months ago, there isn’t anything about it that isn’t true today.
It’s 4 AM on a Friday and I am awake. And unlike everyone else who is returning from a late night escapade or readying themselves for an early work day, I am just awake and stressed about life.
As an expert in Neurosis, I breakdown at the first signs of any financial woes.
Tonight is no different.
Tonight, or more so the wincing hours of dawn, I was sending an emotional (or was it?) text message to a dear friend of mine when I was reminded of my position in life. My phone bill had been due for quite some time, but I insisted to neglect it due to my supposed financial burdens.
Now I have a tsunami of thoughts.
Stressful and pronounced due to the depression of the hour. I had a neglected friend and from 3am to 4am, I rolled around in my bed trying to sleep. I literally had just waken up from a three hour nap that cause me to miss the last of the NBA finals. I hopped out of bed frantically and checked my wallet.
27 dollars.
I spent 4 days of my week at work and I had 27 dollars to show for it. This wouldn’t cover my phone bill, which was pushing 200 dollars.
Food was out of the question.
I had a negative account and most of my money had already gone to food. Five dollars of it would certainly be gone by 6 am thanks to coffee and a croissant. Or maybe I shouldn’t have a croissant.
As much as I would love to blame my job on my lack of money, I know that most of it is self-imposed. I have yet to learn financial responsibility and maybe on the few times I should have been listening, I wasn’t. Being financially irresponsible is the largest of all responsibilities it seems. If you miss important dates or meetings perhaps there will be an opportunity to reschedule.
However, being broke is unforgivable. Even by one’s own standards
Recently, I signed up for a free class teaching one how to self-publish. It was around 3am that I realized I had missed the course. Another failure of priority on my part.
If I had a penny, for every time I declared to my friends that I was over being broke and ready to start saving, I would no doubt be a millionaire by now. In addition to this, I am 23 with the sex-drive of an 18-year old boy and no man.
See? A tsunami of unnecessary late night thoughts.
Recently in an article published by American Womankind, a psychologist discovered that Sunday’s were the most depressing day of the week for people. A day alone with your own thoughts, and all of the negative thoughts begin to flow in.
What about 3am?
When people talk about their late night thoughts they are always personal notes. Messages and dark thoughts shared with their friends in passing moments or secrets shared with diaries and journals. All the studies done on dreams and personality tests, but none of these lonely moments. These stressful times.
When you are trying to be there for a friend and are reminded of your status.
When you check your wallet and are reminded of this even further.
Wishing you had someone to call.
Laying down, wishing for slumber and feeling nothing but dead, cold space next to you. I assume this is just part of growing up in our cold world.
Being in your twenties for me is like a project, (And maybe it’s not so much about being in your twenties as it is about being a person, becoming an adult.), piecing yourself together day by day. Even now, as the birds are crooning as it nears 5am, I am hopeful.
What is it about the sunrise that gives us promise for the future?
Hopefulness, but more than that. A sense of ease that everything will work out, whether we wanted it to or not.
My friend will be home by noon and we may even speak before then.
I’ll be at my dreadful job by four and I’ll have some money in my pocket by 1am; even if it’s not the amount I needed.
Having conversations and getting high.
The day is sounding better already.