The Essence of Freedom

Cloud 9
The quickest high and the hardest fall. The sweetest thing. The luxury of being on a cloud. Having to be so high up the pressure collapses your lungs. 

You think it’s real. You think it’s reality. Until reality slaps you in the face. 

Sometimes our hearts and minds will have us thinking two different things. Acting out two different actions. Desiring two different circumstances. Constantly unsure of which direction to go in. 

At my age, I am becoming sick of the uncertainty. Especially when it comes to my relationships. I no longer want to be made promises that won’t be kept. I no longer wish to feel this overwhelming emotion and instead of feeling happy, feeling despair. Instead of feeling optimism, I often feel pessimism. 

I can easily turn any situation, one of just simply feeling the moment, and project it a thousand times over into the future. Pushing my emotions onto the next day before it has even begun. 

This is how you make me feel. Or rather this is how I am making myself feel over you. Instead of enjoying the fact that for the first time in my life I am actually sure of the things I want, I am distracted by not having the one thing that’s in front of me that I’ve convinced myself I’ve needed. 

Yet I don’t have any of the other things I need. I don’t know what it means to prioritize and push myself or how to actually put effort in. Yet I am so ready to pour all of my effort into you. The same person who preaches about being single and individuality succumbed to the same insecurities of lust and love. The circumstances were ripe for it though. Cloud 9 was waiting for me. 

Maybe I just needed an escape from my everyday and I took it too hard. Too personal. A one night thing with someone I believe to desire forever with. But who knows what the future holds. I certainly don’t that’s for sure.