The Essence of Freedom

People tell you a lot of different things about your twenties. They tell you that it is a fun, amazing time.  Full of experience.  The time when you will do the most learning, growing and partying.  For most of your twenties, it is the only time that truly belongs to you (considering you have so much of it).  It is literally a nuisance when someone interferes with time you feel is rightfully yours.  For the most part, this is true.  This may be the last few years that I will be able to day drink with such fervor (most likely not); and I am STILL trying to navigate this bills and money thing, a trial in and of itself.

What I have yet to hear anyone mention is how directionless you feel.  People say, “You’ll figure it out eventually.”  “Everything will work itself out.” Blah, blah, blah, and everything else.  I often wonder when people say those things, did people just settle into the lives they had?  Is it just dependent upon the person?  Am I talking to someone who settled and gave up on their dreams and wants a long time ago, or, is this person still recklessly pursuing their dreams?  Though I still feel anxious sometimes, I am doing my best to relax, I worry about which direction is best for me.  Is a career in government and international law best for me?

Ultimately, it is what I went to school for, and what I always hoped to do.  However, I never really envisioned myself working for someone else until I was seventy years old.  I never pictured a retirement party surrounded by coworkers and partners from the firm.  No, no.  I always imagined I would work until I die. Not tragically. Just always writing, volunteering, being a philanthropist, and founder of my own non-profit. I have literal visions of grandeur for my life.  An inner life like Boaz Mozar (and an apartment like his as well).

The real questions have been, where and how to start?  How do I get there?  Where is “there” even? A good friend reminded me recently, that a lot of the things I want in life come slowly, and a lot of people don’t achieve these things until they are older.  Or rather, have their ideas of success develop until they are older.  I always figured I would be married between the ages of 30-35 (more like 35 these days due to the huge pool of unsavory and unlikely candidates).  Kids starting at 35 as well. Now I’m wondering if I shouldn’t put my life on hold while I wait on these career changes to happen.

Life is all about choices.  I’m not going to know the results of the choices I’ve made until the end.  I’m never going to know the right direction until I take it.  Ultimately, I should choose the path that is the most rewarding, fulfilling, and challenging.  Perhaps every hobby or interest doesn’t have to evolve into this huge thing, a career path or a source of income.  I just have to be myself and enjoy the things I love and reassure myself that I won’t always be a 25-year old woman child, with ill-fitting clothes.